The greatest cloning feat in human history

Dana Carvey's judgmental "Church Lady" character. "Well, isn't THAT special?"

Dana Carvey’s Enid “Church Lady” Strict:
“Well, isn’t THAT special?”

The condescending attitudes of those who believe that God solves problems by drowning, burning, torturing and threatening to excessively punish His children throughout all eternity used to make my blood pressure rise. I’ve been met with outright hostility and judged as a hell-bound heathen because I steadfastly refuse to believe that God would do anything Love would not do. Is it really diabolical to believe that God is consistent, not capricious?

Take a Deep Breath…

Instead of angrily going to the “You worship a sadistic genocidal despot, and you have the nerve to look down your nose at me” place, I’m making an effort to understand why so many believe that God is so vile.

Maybe people are so judgmental and think they’re so special because they believe that God is judgmental and exclusionary. But it’s mankind that seeks differences between himself and others, discriminates against others, and feels superior to others. More than likely, he long ago cloned God in his image.

Establishing an exclusive path to God perpetuates man’s belief in divine discrimination (an oxymoron, if I ever heard one). It goes like this: I’m on the only path to God; you’re not. As Saturday Night Live comedian Dana Carvey’s smug superior-dancing Church Lady character, Enid Strict would say, “Well, isn’t THAT special?”

What “One Path” Really Implies

This “One Path to God” theosophy presumes a few things:

  1. God is not omnipresent spirit: He (always “He,” in the image of his creator) is a stationary, man-like being who lives in Outer Space and occasionally venturing out to banish, condemn, murder or eternally torture His kids.
  2. God turns His back on unfavored children: Billions are wandering aimlessly because God didn’t show them the path home.
  3. God is a hypocrite: God wants humans to do as He says, not as He does. He sent Jesus to tell us to forgive 70 times 7, love our enemies, judge not and condemn not. Meanwhile, He drowns, tortures, threatens, judges and condemns…with love.

God’s Fingers Crossed behind His Back?

Another critical one-path belief is that God’s forgiveness comes with strings attached. They say three conditions must be met:

  1. God’s only innocent child must be sadistically tortured to death;
  2. Everyone else must believe that the innocent child was barbarically murdered instead of us;
  3. We also must believe that torturing an innocent man to death is an act of divine love. If we don’t believe it, they say, God will inhumanely torture us throughout all eternity.

Would Love do that—or have these Believers completely redefined Love?

Unfair father

Man has made God in his image, awash in qualities that we consider undesirable, criminal, even despicable in mere mortals. In fact, He bears a strong resemblance to our so-called “enemy,” Satan. Despite that, many have embraced this diabolical image of God—maybe because they haven’t really thought about what they believe. They simply believe.

Have you thought about it? Say “Amen” if you:

  • Worship and adore a father who doesn’t tell all of His children how to get back home.
  • Admire violent, vindictive dictators.
  • Relish the opportunity to be with someone who solves problems by killing and torturing people.
  • Love it when someone is unfair, threatening or judgmental.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Solving problems by killing people: Divine?

Murders shock and revile us. But they never seem to stop. Where did these people get the idea that we should solve problems by killing people?

Scripture tells us the appropriate way to respond to behavior that’s disagreeable to us. See if you know the correct answers:

1.  How should you respond if your kids are disrespectful?

a.  Give them good counsel
b.  Forgive them
c.  Kill them

Hint: Ex. 21:17, Deut. 21:18-21

2.  How should we handle murderers?

a.  Arrest them
b.  Forgive them
c.  Kill them

Hint: Ex. 21:12, 21:15

3.  What should we do to cheating spouses?

a.  Divorce them
b.  Forgive them
c.  Kill them

Hint: Lev. 19:20, 20:10

4.  How about kidnappers?

a.  Make them sleep with wolves
b.  Forgive them
c.  Kill them

Hint: Ex 21:16

5.  How should we deal with blasphemers?

a.  Publicly humiliate them
b.  Forgive them
c.  Stone them to death

Hint: Lev. 24:16

6.  What about men who have sex with their father’s or son’s wife:

a.  Castrate them
b.  Forgive them
c.  Kill them

Hint: Lev. 20:11, 20:12

7.  Sexy Mama? What do you do Men who have sex with their mothers-in-law:

a.  Castrate them
b.  Forgive them
c.  Burn them to death

Hint: Lev. 20:14  

8.  What should we do to atheists and agnostics?

a.  Cripple them
b.  Forgive them
c.  Kill them

Hint: Josh. 1:18, 2 Chr. 15:13  

9.  That senior citizen who says, “Welcome to Walmart” and others who work on Saturdays, cook, look for food, leave home and make fires?

a.  Arrest them
b.  Forgive them
c.  Stone them to death

Hint: Ex 31:15, 16:25, 16:26, 16:29, 35:3, 31:14, 35:2, Num 15:32-36

10.  Response to lost virginity?

a.  Slap on a chastity belt immediately
b.  Forgive her
c.  Stone her to death

Hint: Deut 22:21-24

Gun-shaped Holy BibleI provided the chapter and verse for every answer: In all instances, scripture claims that God demands that we kill each other. Now you know why killing people has been such a popular way to solve problems for lo these many centuries. What it means is that we can’t be law-abiding citizens and God-abiding citizens. So whose law should we follow?

If God is Love, would Love do that?

Perhaps a more intelligent and humane way to read holy scripture is to also read books about scripture that calls itself the inerrant word of God. If we did everything it claims that God mandates us to do, there would be a run on orange jumpsuits, and cities would have more prisons than high-rise apartment buildings.

As they say, it’s easier to believe than to think. I think it’s even easier to read scripture and say, “Would Love do that?” Do you?